A Love Epic
A Visit
January 2, 2024
I’m exhausted,
But I cannot close my eyes.
My past is an anxiety-coated pill of scarcity, pain, and doubt,
It is where I learned to distrust.
The innocent feelings in my raw raw heart,
One by one snubbed,
Reaching a point disguised as no return.
I thought they were gone,
But a warm, active heart visited,
Touched my own.
My thrashing soul threatens to rise from its punishing hibernation.
I’m throwing myself on the front lines,
To see if this new, kind being will reach out,
And hold me with invigorating tenderness.
Rising brings along things I forgot and refused to feel,
It’s a dangerous time,
But surviving could mean something sweet.
Promises Mean Nothing Anymore
January 8, 2024
Promise
Promise you won’t leave me standing as the rain falls around me.
Your eyes carry promises of forever,
But is that a mask to lull me into this trap?
Your words seem to show some sense of care,
But can I take them as a promise of genuine emotion?
I lean into you,
Falling with no ground underneath.
What will I meet at this bottom?
My heart fears the worst.
This anxiety has perspired over everything I do,
I’m scared you can feel my shaky breath when we kiss.
I wish I could go into this lighthearted,
A more naïve version of myself,
But I know better.
Promise
Even if you did promise,
I don’t know if I could trust you.
Reclamation
January 10, 2024
A reclamation of self is a short lived song.
In an instant, it changes the course of your life.
Will I live to others’ expectations?
Will I live life to my own?
A reclamation of self is a realization of inherent power.
It is an answer when the cold echoes of the dark past ring in your head,
“Who are you?”
You snap in response.
I am the ever-changing fluidity that is the essence of the universe,
With the powers of self-actualization as I determine what I do and don’t want in my life.
I am the glow of the sun itself and the cold steely heart of the moon,
Dualities existing in one, singing into the ether.
“I am everything all at once.”
Things I Hate to Admit
January 24, 2024
Does love sound like the racing beat of my heart,
A sound that escapes my body and vibrates off of the walls around me?
I wonder if it’s palpable,
If he knows I slipped off the cliff I tried so hard to keep my feet on.
Falling is only scary if you doubt the person below will catch you.
Falling.
Abrupt,
Thrilling,
Painful,
Frightening,
Seamless.
Falling for you was easy.
I wonder what waits for me below.
Does love sound like the sweetness in my voice,
Dripping from my tongue and covering all my words in bright lights that let you know the obvious?
I’m falling for you.
A Night With You
January 24, 2024
The soft groove of your hips leaves me breathless.
In your grasp,
I’m at your will.
A breath that runs across my back,
Crawls into my ear,
And presses me against the bed you claim me on.
A breath that says I’m yours.
You trace the frame of my face,
I wipe off the sweat that beads down,
Tenderness entangles us.
A gaze so enticing and powerful,
I cower and look away,
But you pull me back in.
Breathing in my joy with a kiss,
And breathing out my hesitation.
A night with you,
Cost me my soul,
Because with a taste,
I never want to let go,
And I won’t.
Arms Pulling Me In
January 25, 2024
I think I belong in your arms,
I think you know it too,
Because every time we walk side by side,
You make a space for my arm to loop through.
Your body begins to call my name,
Magnetizing me to your side.
Sometimes I dream of just basking,
In your radiance,
A little fly observing you spin around in your own little world,
In awe of your existence.
I see myself,
Cozily lying in your bed,
Lazy eyes open enough to follow you around,
As you make even simple things like washing dishes look enticing.
As my eyes trail you,
A warm sleepiness envelopes me.
I’m drifting away for a few,
Until I wake up in your arms,
Right where I belong.
A Choice
January 25, 2024
Are love poems ever truly happy,
Ever purely hopeful?
My pen, filled with love,
Never writes in a pure tone.
Tip dipped in fear,
Paper once drenched in tears,
My words come out and dry with a new hue.
My mind, scorned, fails to trust,
And giving in is a concept so hard for my rigid body.
A gentle anxiety seeps into my world,
Dripping down the walls of my heart.
I’m still standing here,
Hoping you will hold me as I melt,
And pour myself all over you.
Dating you isn’t easy.
It’s an undoing of trauma and a constant readjustment of forced independence.
Despite the fear and hesitation in my mind,
I am intentionally and fearlessly choosing you,
Again and again.
The Power of Words
January 29, 2024
Some words can’t help but be said.
Some words rest for eternity on our tongues.
Some words well me up with tears.
Some words smile as they kick me off the last rung.
Some words feel like magic in the air.
Some words, I fear the pictures they create.
Some words enlighten my spirit.
Some words make my eyes fill with hate.
Words are fallible,
Yet their weight is not ignored,
Because words carry galaxies in their depth,
And convey the intangible: hope.
Words seal relationships,
Ease broken hearts,
Reach isolated souls,
Fill the world with magic,
Just as reality tries to take your spirit.
Differences
February 1, 2024
What if I was unbothered,
And your comments didn’t crawl into me,
Like parasites gnawing at my insides.
I don’t know what’s correct,
Forgetting and ignoring the judgement,
Or picking at a bleeding scab for a chance for clarity and unattainable peace.
Differences are glorious oases of refreshment and willing challenge,
But they also feel like threats to the ground below me.
Drawing the lines where you and I collide,
I feel scared and boxed in.
What if these lines are simply guides for blood-stained scissors to cut through and tear us apart?
Where is the balance between enjoying what makes another different and creating a space for a collective “you”?
I want to let go, but people’s words stab into me like tattoos.
What is Perfection?
February 5, 2024
Is perfection the goal of this imperfect world,
Where surreal realities mask the neglect and pain waiting to come,
Until you’re giving all of yourself to a ghost,
That will then refuse to hold your hand and wipe your tears?
As much as I hate false promises,
I hate the idea of betting on a perfection that never was,
And loving someone, not for who they are,
But for who I hope they’d be.
I hate bubbles when they pop,
And fireworks when they fade.
Their false permanence corrodes me.
I don’t like perfection, because it doesn’t exist.
I like the effort in change and compromise.
I like the joy of days I never could have imagined.
I like the silly blemishes and the messy conversations,
All sorted when we both put our hands together and say,
“I care, let’s talk this out.”
The Fear of Losing You
February 6, 2024
Joy is the saddest feeling.
It makes you cry the hardest when depression creeps in.
Knowing what once made you smile,
Is heart-wrenchingly absent,
Replays in a loop,
And digs you deeper in your grave.
Love is the scariest emotion,
One that haunts my beating heart,
Every time I conjure your face.
Knowing I love you,
I become aware that I will lose you someday,
A separation, inevitable in life.
The deeper I fall for you,
The more I want to stay,
Because a life without you seems duller,
Without your smile to brighten my day.
Fragile
February 12, 2024
Fragility is the natural state for those who are strong and can stand to be dropped,
Open and vulnerable.
Only the toughest let themselves be fragile.
If their pure hearts are misconstrued,
If absence fills the space where love once lived,
They know they can recover.
I’ve spent years fearing my vulnerability,
Flinching back at those who tried to touch my open heart.
I grew to fear the emotions that made me happy,
Because living in a life of lack,
Is easier,
When you don’t know what you’re missing out on.
I thought I was being tough,
Resilient.
Now here I am,
As fragile as ever,
Putting myself in your hands,
Strength rooted in my vulnerability,
My heart saying,
“You will be okay.”
Haiku
February 12, 2024
Monochrome forest,
Yet I only see rainbows,
When I am with you.
You – February 11, 2024
Listen, “I love you
I want a relationship
With you”, I’m saying.
Me – February 10, 2024
“Dystopian Geese,”
We sit and watch together,
A young old couple.
Me – February 11, 2024
“Seeing you fragile
Makes me want to protect you.”
I fold into you.
Us – February 11, 2024
I love him.
I Fear What I Am Putting My Body Through
February 14, 2024
My breasts too big,
My neck too thick,
My cheeks too plump,
My tummy too fluffy.
Pill by pill,
I’m slowly inflating,
Like a balloon,
But I don’t want to fly away,
I want to explode,
– POP –
“No man will love you if you’re fat.”
“No man wants to have kids.”
“No man loves to wear condoms.”
No man truly cares.
“Here, take these pills,”
So I can fuck you raw.
“It feels good for me.”
If you get sad though,
That’s on you.
If you get fat though,
Then we’re through.
I hate seeing his grand face in the men of my life,
Hearing his cruel words ring in my ears.
I hate worrying if someone I love will leave me,
If I cry too much,
If I gain too much.
I hate that I have to take this pill to stop a function I loathe in my body,
The production of the monstrosity that is life.
A pill that makes it easier to fuck,
But that makes one unfuckable.
A sobbing,
Eating,
Vomiting,
Depressed,
Insecure,
Broken,
Mess.
But you can come inside them though.
Written Overtop
February 20, 2024
History is written on top of itself.
Stories are everchanging.
The past begins to morph,
From something that shames me,
To something that frames my strength.
I wake up today haunted by a nightmare,
The same one from before.
I don’t wake with a jolt this time,
No longer frazzled at the prospect of fear’s knife cutting into me.
Instead, shaking my head,
I get up.
Getting ready for the day,
I release the weak grip of this dream,
And realize I have a consistent calm by my side.
Fool
March 6, 2024
Why does “I didn’t know” cost so much?
My naïveté sometimes stabs me from inside out,
Like skipping through a field,
Just to uncover burs,
Buried into your skin by the end.
God.
I hate feeling like such a fool.
I hate giving you the opportunity to look down on me.
I feel extinguished,
Wishing it’ll end.
God.
How was I supposed to know?
I hate proving the world right.
Existence’s pranks are bitter.
I am tired.
Melted into a nothingness that spells,
“I didn’t know.”
I’m Excited to Be With You
March 7, 2024
What’s after I love you?
Why am I still surprised?
Every time I look at you,
I feel a pang of love in my heart.
Every time I get ready for a date,
Thinking, “this is the one”,
I giggle at my excitement.
What exactly do I expect will happen?
I’m waiting for that first “I love you”.
We already said it.
I’m waiting for you to ask to be mine.
You already are.
Maybe I’m expecting bigger questions,
The ones I know are not due for us yet.
At night, the words “I love you” dance around in my head and threaten to escape my lips.
I feel tense,
Like I have no choice but to confess these burning words,
Nervous if you feel the same.
Then I remember love already envelopes us,
And keeps me giddy,
Like it’s my first.
“Home”
March 14, 2024
“Let’s go home.”
These words rush into my heart with warmth and fill my cheeks with a revealing blush.
Before us lies so much possibility,
A future where “home” includes you.
“Home”
A ransacked word in my life,
Displaced in every move,
Blown away by tornadoes,
Drifted far away in divorce.
I felt broken and lost,
Aimlessly trying to gather fractured pieces of my past and put them back together.
It took me a while.
Slowly I was able to turn myself into “home”,
Carry that sense of peace within my heart.
Then Louie came in and expanded my “home”,
Mixing in a bit of chaos.
Now I wonder if one day,
You’ll make your way into my home too.
I’m an Orange
March 19, 2024
Orange peel, orange peel,
Peel me bare,
Fleshy insides open,
I don’t care.
Cut me, cut me,
Up with a knife,
My juices are flowing,
Drink up my life.
Hold me, hold me,
Warming in your hands,
I make your mouth water,
My pulps, your biggest fans.
Suck me, suck me,
Sap me till I’m dry,
As you eat up every part of me,
Pleasure is my happy little cry.
The Cost of Silence
March 21, 2024
I want burgers and cherry blossoms.
I sat 30 minutes in traffic on a 20 minute ride,
50 minutes deep into avoiding you.
I spent 30 dollars on a far away parking spot,
Locking me into my decision to see you.
20 mile per hour winds try to blow me in the opposite direction,
150 pounds trying to cut through the force.
I spent a minute looking at you,
And five sitting next to you with nothing to say.
I pay 36 dollars on too-small burgers that keep me hungry,
Like the dozens of too-small, too-short texts you drip feed me.
I type 1204 into the bathroom keypad,
And spend 2 minutes hurriedly wondering what the hell do I even want to say to you.
I spend 8 dollars on boba to try to fill myself with something.
I want burgers and cherry blossoms,
And a moment of peace with you.
Cold
March 29, 2024
I want to feel you close to me.
You feel too far away.
I wonder if it’s my fault.
I wonder if it’s all in my head.
I’m scared of the cold.
It makes my body shut down.
It’s spring,
Yet ice swirls around me,
When you don’t look at me in the eyes.
Were you always this cold?
I don’t know.
Can I trust?
Trust you to speak up when you feel wronged and overwhelmed?
Can I trust?
The excuses you give when silence creates space between us.
I don’t know.
I’m cold.
Hug me and warm me up.
Untitled
Undated in March 2024
I tear myself alive,
Ripping into my flesh with fangs of shame,
Shredded to a pulp of pain.
Hurt People Hurt People
April 4, 2024
There is darkness that lurks,
Tonight in the spirit,
That spins in the core of my soul.
Your brokenness,
Fractals,
Little pieces of glass that poke outward.
I find myself cut by them every time I near,
The blood that drips awakens the monster inside.
Cleansing ponds,
Yet the water can’t reach me,
The wound is deeper than skin.
Sometimes I hurt,
When I see you retreat in pain.
Sometimes I hurt,
The people I wish to protect the most.
I think I should take a moment,
Because hurt people hurt people,
And one of us is hurt.
To You
April 17, 2024
A sense of recognition came over me last night as I felt a glint of maturity in us.
In our beginning,
A rush of feelings poured over so easily onto paper,
Hurriedly and messily,
As if they would evaporate in seconds and cease to exist in memory.
I rushed to trap, to remember, to share.
My sprint turned to a run, to a walk, to a waltz.
Beautiful steps lay before me.
A precious story is painted by those already taken.
We dance together now,
Weaving into and through our complicated emotions.
Pulling and guiding each other,
Swaying and turning into a new life together.
I sometimes get lost in the steps,
But my heart rests,
Knowing your hand hasn’t let go.
I haven’t written you a poem in a while,
But just know,
In my steps,
I have written, “I love you”,
Love with you feels like once refrigerated bacon waiting to surprise me as we struggle to make sense of the fake Mexican food in front of us,
Silly and unexpected.
A side I wasn’t expecting from you.
Such pure intention.
Love feels like the laughter erupting from my empty shell of a body as you poetically call me a crustacean and reassure me that I can lean on you.
Love is singing karaoke together,
Washing your back,
Origami butterflies fluttering around me.
Love is falling for you on the dance floor of a club,
And planning to dance with you on our wedding day.
Love is the pure joy of your crevices.
Love is the daily effort to show up for you.
Love with you is beautiful,
Silly,
Surprising.
Abode
December 22, 2024
Nestled in a cozy abode,
Two hearts intertwine,
A new chapter unfolds.
Walls adorned with memories,
A shared space to behold,
Moving in together,
A journey to be told.
Laughter echoes through the halls,
As you create a home,
Where love enthralls.
Mornings filled with shared routines,
Evenings spent in each other’s dreams,
Adjusting to the rhythm of a life entwined,
Discovering the joys this new path will find.
Embracing the challenges,
Hand in hand,
Building a future,
A sanctuary so grand.
In this haven,
Your love takes root and grows,
Blossoming with each day that comes and goes.
A testament to the bond you’ve chosen to share,
Moving in together,
A journey beyond compare.
Finale
July 4, 2026
The poems stopped early,
and I wonder what my mind did to fill the silence.
I cry at our joy.
I cry at the version of me that loved.
I cry as fireworks explode in the air
and say Goodbye.
To Be Natalia Santiago 