February 12, 2024

Those little Boba eyes that follow me around exist in a world of wholesome chaos.

Your life is in my hands.

You’ve grown so much, and I know it shows I’m doing some good. Still,

I wish I could give you more.

I wish I could give you my time,make sure you can feel loved in my absence because you trust I’ll be back.

I wish I could take you with me, to places you’ve never traveled before, so you never have to suffer in the boredom of your solidarity.

I wish I could explain to you why things are so hard. I’m trying my best, but I feel like my best is just relaying to you, “I don’t care.”

I question my choice.

Lying on the floor crying, I ask myself, “Why am I not better for you? Am I fit to be in your life?”

But then you scoot into the crevice of my body, tail wagging and tongue licking, and I think,

Maybe you are doing okay.
Maybe our little family is really enough.

~ . ~

I got my dog in late 2023. As a puppy, Louie would incessantly bark at everything. Without me knowing, it was aggressively triggering my sensory issues around barking, leading me to lock myself in the bathroom to have meltdowns.

I was trying to juggle a demanding full-time work schedule, training him during a dog flu outbreak, and the severe emotional dysregulation that comes with not knowing I am autistic.

Every accident, every bark felt like a reminder of my failure. I cried, questioning if he would be better off with my mom or in a shelter.

This dog that gave me so much joy…was I able to give him the same back?

Louie is now two years old, healthy, and a beautiful source of joy in my home. He is my motivation. Since writing that poem, I’ve developed coping strategies to help with the sensory sensitivities. I have a wonderful support system that helps care for him. I’ve come to see that I am the mom Louie needs in his life.

Louie has grown a lot. While still incredibly shy, he now willingly initiates play with other dogs, no matter their size. He’s able to rest calmly in his crate and entertain himself when I can’t be around. He is playful, sweet, cuddly, incredibly silly, naive, and the weirdest dog that has ever entered my life.

I was doing my best in 2023, and I’m doing my best now. The only difference is that I know it now.
Louie always knew. It just took me some time to see it too.